Shocking Revelations and Uncertainties
by FiJi-hopper
Summary: Hermione and Draco are Head Boy and Girl. They become involved in a series of pranks between themselves that lead us to question Hermione's sanity and Draco's sexuality.
1. Chapter 1

It was war Cold-blooded, all out, no mercy war. Hermione knew that was for sure as she tried helplessly for the millionth time in the last 3 hours to get rid of the very unbecoming boils on her face that were causing her to break out in song with a different Shirley Temple song every time a male Slytherin walked by her. Of course he was only retaliating from Hermiones well aimed spell that made Draco blush prettily and flutter his eyelashes whenever he was insulted. _That was good._ Hermione thought smugly, but that thought vanished quickly as another Slytherin was walking by and she broke out in song. "Animal crackers in my soup, monkeys and rabbits loop the loop!" _AHHHH! Bloody bastard! What the hell is it with him and Shirley Temple anyway! Frickin' fruit pouf!_ Then the perfect idea came to her.

* * *

Draco was overall very pleased with himself as he waltzed down the hall to his common room. He had one-upped Hermione. _I am sexy and smart!_ All the sudden he felt a disturbing chill crawl up his spine. Horror filled his mind as he brought a shaking and trembling hand to rest on his beloved hair. _Oh shit! Fucking-_ "Hermione!" Several third year girls gasped in surprise and then broke out in fits of giggles. Draco's hair was a huge dome of golden ringlets and he was wearing a cute little Dutch girl dress…with wooden clogs. In obvious distress, Draco stormed to his dorm, his wooden clogs echoingly off the corridor walls maddeningly. But, not even that could drown out the insane laughter that was Hermione's. She called to him tauntingly, "Leaving so soon, Shirley baby!" Draco simply huffed. He would get back at Hermione. He'd show her, the school, nay the whole bloody world! But first…

* * *

Hermione knew it. She had won. She knew victory and held it in her grasps. She was heading across the 3rd floor. Victory was very sweet. She could almost smell it. Wait! She 'could' smell it. She paused.Does victory smell like… lavender? She looked at the door to the Room of Requirement. The smell seemed to be coming from there… She cracked the door open and saw….

* * *

Draco had decided to relieve a little stress by taking a bath in the Room of Requirement. He shifted his eyes suspiciously before bringing out his two sock puppets: Marie and Jacques. 

Marie/Draco: "Jacques I love you so much. You are the cherry on top of my whipped cream of life!"

Jacques/Draco: " And you, fair maiden, are the crème of my coffee, the custard of my mustard, and the puss of my pimple."

Marie/Draco: "Oh numphkin!" flails about wildly

Jacques: "I love you and would do anything for you!"

Marie: sobs"Anything?"

Jacques: "Yes!"

Marie: "Then kiss me you handsome outlaw, and never ever leave me!"

At this point Hermione could hardly breathe with holding back laughter (and the overwhelming lavender stench) that she couldn't help but let out a small cough. Draco stood up and screeched loudly and very femininely.


	2. Chapter 2

_Hello everyone. Sorry for the lack of comments in previous chapter. I'm FiJi-hopper and this is my first story ever! I will accept any review but please be gentle because I am incurably sensitive. sigh I would like to thank my 3 reviewers. You guys rock!_

It had all started out as innocent fun. A snide comment here, elbow jabs there. Elementary stuff. Gradually, the jovial merrymaking had progressed to pure unbridled hatred! Pure fury! Well, more or less.

Hermione and Draco, as you know, had never been buddies. Or chums. Not even amigos. That had always been understood throughout the school, and had been somewhat of a constant in the hectic lives of the young witches and wizards.

When they had both been elected Head Boy and Girl, Professors Dumbledore and McGonagall had firmly told them that they were the leaders of the student population and had to set a good example of "interhouse unity" for everybody, especially the younger students. They had both reluctantly agreed.

All had gone pretty darn well for a month or two. They avoided each other and once almost had a civilized conversation. Well, we think they did because it was something along the lines of Draco bellowing, " WHERE IS THE SHOWER SQUIGEE?" And Hermione answering, "Up your asshole you inapt Neanderthal!" Ah those precious moments…

Then, in late October, they had been assigned to plan the Christmas ball. That was fine, they both agreed on the décor and whatnot. But, they were also ordered to open up the ball for the young chits and chumps by doing a little dance number.

**Flashback**:

The lights dimmed as the music began playing. A slow waltz. Draco and Hermione just stood there staring at each other in horror. This was not the song they had been practicing!

Neither of them was exactly gifted in the graceful department and had barely scraped the very basic something or other they were supposed to dance to. This was complex and everyone was staring at them expectantly. _FUCK! _They thought simultaneously.

They started to make up a dance of their own. It looked somewhat like an epileptic hippo trying to do the robot. Yes, Draco was attempting the robot while Hermione was hopping up and down looking very confused. They then proceeded to "leap frog" over each other and do the Macarena.

The children were bewildered, Dumbledore was amused, Snape was chugging a bottle of whiskey, and McGonagall was trying to drink from Snape's whiskey bottle.

When the waltz finally ended, Hermione had three broken toes (from Draco stepping on her feet), Draco had a broken nose (Hermione elbowed him well attempting the Macarena), and the whole staff was intoxicated and singing "Row, row, row your boat."

**Flashback Ends**


	3. Chapter 3

_YAH! I got so many pretty reviews blows** air kisses crazily Now, some of you have asked for longer chapters so, your wish is my command. Also, please check out my comrade's story called Lily and James Excellent Adventure. Its rated T. Give it a shot! O and Draco's thought process is in bold and Draco is in italics for the thought process scene. Pip-pip! **_

Now, resuming the story where we left Draco standing in the bath and Hermione laughing uproariously, we, as narrator and reader, find ourselves pondering over what will happen next. I do not know. I am only providing subtitles for their freakish adaptation of the word "life." But anyhow…

Draco gaped and tried his best to save his masculinity by deepening his voice and putting his hands on his hips as if to say, "Back off Babes, it's a free country and I can do what I want!"

_Wait. _Draco thought. _Scratch that last part. _Good thinking, Draco. _Thanks. _All right. _Yeah… _He decided for more of a knee up on corner of bath, hand resting on knee; chin up in the air kind of determined look. Which was quickly discarded after Hermiones frightened gasp. (She couldn't see "it" before because it was a really _tall _bathtub wall. Yeah…)

"Draco… you weren't playing with sock puppets, were you?" Draco decided he would discretely sidestep that question with a hearty chuckle and a, "Who, me?"

Unfortunately the "me" came off a little squeaky. Hermione tried to look serious (and failed) and said, "Are you sure?"

"STOP ASKING RIDICULOUS QUESTIONS!" Draco exclaimed, at which time he stamped his foot and sent a wave of water over the side of the tub, along with Jacques and Marie, the sock puppets.

Hermione tweaked at the mouth. Then grinned. Then, erupted in another fit of never-ending laughter.

Draco's eye began to twitch as he watched Hermione collapse on the floor in a heap. _Shit! _He thought. _Now my badass rep will be trashed. Something must be done to stop her from telling the whole school. Hey thought- process!_

**Draco's thought- process (T/P) enters Draco's head: **

"**You rang?" **Draco thought his thought-process sounded a little sarcastic… Wait. That's a strange sentence.

**(T/P rolls eyes)**

"Yes, hello. You and me need to conspire as to how to stop Granger from telling the whole school…about this little escapade.

"**Hmmm… let me see. Ooh, I have an idea! A marvelous, mystical, crazy idea!"**

** giggles evilly. **

_**Cough ** Well what the hell is it!_

"**What? Oh yes!" **Draco and T/P begin to plan Hermiones demise, snickering occasionally and laughing maniacally.

Meanwhile, Hermione stared in confusion at Draco as he snickered and went, " Bua haw haw!" She was disturbed and bewildered. Strange….

**T/P slaps Draco across the face. "You idiot! She's looking at you like you're a naked old man in a meat market!" **

Draco, offended, says, "How dare you!" And whacks T/P's nose.

Hermione was disturbed even more when Draco started smacking himself in the face and attempted to strangle himself. She was mildly amused until he tried to drown himself in a tub. She reluctantly grabbed his shoulders.

"**Don't give anything away!"**

"**I won't…stupid blighter…"**

**T/P exits scene**

Draco brushed Hermione aside and sat in the tub looking strangely satisfied.

Hermione continued to just stare at him. This was becoming an unfortunate habit.

Draco glared and said in annoyance, "See anything you like, Granger?"

She smirked, "On the contrary, Draco me dearie, you seem to have forgotten, somehow, that you are, how should I put this… lacking clothes," Draco flushed, " without garments," Draco frantically searched for something to cover himself, "naked?"

Hermione felt the slightest twinge of pity for the pale, vulnerable Draco that was now desperately drying to transfigure a (lavender) squishy sponge thingy into clothing. Apparently Transfiguration was not his strong point. Bad for Draco. Good for Hermione…. Bua haw haw, Bua haw haw cough, sputter, cough. ….

"Draco, do you want me to transfigure you a…. little something?" She said innocently, or as innocently as she could manage as an evil, almost inhuman, grin spread across her face. Not very convincing.

Draco raised a suspicious eyebrow. Normally that may have been intimidating, but at the moment, he looked anything but intimidating with a bubbly bunch on the tip of his nose.

"Why?" He glared and looked behind her back to see if she was hiding…something.

Hermione shrugged indifferently, "Well, you seem to be having a little trouble with your wand, NOT THAT WAND!" she said hurriedly as Draco's face took on a bewildered look, "I was just offering, you don't have to bite my head off."

Reluctantly he handed Hermione his wand. She grinned, "I knew you'd come around. Besides, I don't want to see you naked any longer than I have too." To her surprise, Draco looked quite offended.

He watched as she muttered a spell. All the sudden he felt a bit warmer. Hot. Really hot. He glanced fearfully at his outfit and rolled eyes at Hermione. "What the hell? You made me look like a bloody Eskimo!"

Hermione looked extremely agitated. _That wasn't supposed to happen. Oh right, that was the wrong spell. Here we go…Bua haw haw… Hey! _glares as readers throw walnuts at her for overusing the evil laugh _Sigh._

Draco all the sudden felt uncomfortably…tight. He groaned as he noticed he was in a leather overall thing with a low chest. He also had a sailors hat and fake chest hair. All in all, he looked like he would fit in quite well with the Village People (nothing against the Village People or anything. YMCA!).

"Granger, change it now!" He hollered, though Hermione noticed there was a bit of desperation etched in there.

"Ya know what Draco? I do not believe I will. Yes, that sounds quite right. Well, I bid you ado. Ta-ta!" Hermione walks, nay, skips out of the room, leaving Draco fuming.

"Well, Granger. I really didn't want to do this (lie), it was always far from mind (another lie), but desperate times call for desperate measures. You have humiliated me enough, and I am confident in my skill to-

_Uhh…Draco_? _"_Yes?_" You're talking to yourself_. "What_?"_ Draco looks around room to find that Hermione had indeed left. "Right. I knew that." Struts out of room, mustering as much dignity as he could after talking to himself (twice).

_What will Draco's brilliant plan of action be against Hermione? Has Hermione become a ruthless, conniving, well…Slytherin? Both of these questions and more will be answered in the next installment of tweedle- deedle- dee what? No! I wanted more of a dun, dun, duhhhh…You know what I mean? **okay, dun, duh YEAH! Cough..**_

SHOCKING REVELATIONS AND UNCERTAINTIES!

**BOO! **_SHUT UP AND GO AWAY! YOUR ALWAYS MESSING WITH MY LIFE! GOSH! _


	4. Chapter 4

Alrighty then me readers. Are you ready for Chappie 4!…? I'll take the resounding silence as a yes. Here we go!

After exiting the bathroom, Hermione decided to go meet her chum, Ginny. Ginny was, as you know, Ron's younger sister.

Ginny was notorious throughout the school to be something of a, well, let's just say you didn't want to get on her bad side. Boyfriends of hers were always wary because she had a way of getting back at unfaithful lovers. Sometimes they were forcibly made to part with their most, err…special organs as they slept peacefully in their dorms (cough Michael Corner cough).

Ginny was currently backing a whimpering Terry Boots into a wall. She was also waving a suspicious looking pair of scissors in the air towards him.

"You thought you could get away with it, Terry Berry, didn't ya? Thought I wouldn't find out eh? You didn't know that I saw you sneaking off with that Ravenclaw slut Cho Chang did you?"

Terry had given up trying to look courageous as a petite 5'2" red-haired girl advanced on him. He simply pleaded, "Ginny Bear I-

"DON'T YOU "GINNY BEAR" ME YOU TWO-TIMING, ASS-KISSING SON OF SEWER SWEEPER!"

"Ginny don't get mad. I swear nothing happened with Cho. We were simply…studying?"

At this Ginny began to laugh bitterly, "In a deserted classroom?" She grinned as Terry nodded unsurely, "Well then, I suppose 'this' slipped off as she was turning a text book page…. or perhaps its yours…" At that Ginny's eyes widened and she shook her head decidedly, banishing-away unwanted (and inappropriate) mental images.

Ginny held up a red lacy bra. Terry paled considerably.

"Umm…well, Gin, we never 'did' anything together. You were boring me."

A vein in Ginny's forehead started to throb. Hermione felt a twinge off pity for Terry Boots.

"Boring was I? Well, you should have told me before, I could have livened things up. Wait, I have an idea…this should 'excite' you Terry. Of course, Cho may find you lacking a certain something in your next 'study session.'"

At this Ginny lunged at the unsuspecting Boots and started making crazy stabbing motions in the air with the hand that held the scissors. Terry started yelling and sobbing.

Hermione held Ginny back, and believe me, that pipsqueak is stronger then she looks. "I'll get you Boots, you slimy little rat bastard!"

Hermione realized that McGonagall had been watching the whole scene play out with amusement in her eyes and had only stepped forward to calm people down when Terry had fainted after touching his lower regions and came up with blood.

"Alright Miss Granger, you got Miss Weasley under control?" She continued after Hermione's affirmative nod, " Well, take her back to her dorm and give her the potion. Lavender Brown, tell Poppy we got another victim." Everyone could tell she felt a bit of pride that Ginny was not a weakling who cried after a stupid boyfriend cheated on her. Hermione had a vague suspicion that McGonagall had been the same way.

Ginny looked at Hermione as though she had just noticed she was there. "Oh Hermione, hello! Damn that Boots! Making my blood pressure rise. Those boys will be the death of me I tell you!"

Hermione just nodded.

"So, how's little Draco? Still intact?" She looked disappointed when Hermione nodded a resentful yes.

"Well Hermione, if I have told you once I have told you a thousand times! And I have told you more than once! Draco is a git and gits deserve to get their penis chopped off!"

"Ginny! That's not how the saying goes and you know it!" Ginny just grumbled. "Anyway, It isn't like I haven't been making him suffer. And besides, you know just as well as I do that you can't castrate every man that annoys you. And no buts!" She said as Ginny made to interrupt. "Just because Colin Creevey wanted a picture with you didn't give you any right to-

"Okay, okay Hermione! I get the idea! Now why are you talking to me when you should be safe in your room plotting ways to kill Draco Malfoy without evidence getting traced back to you? For all you know, he's got an awesome idea and you got squat!"

So Hermione went to her dorm and decided to take a nap, where she dreamt of little Dracos in hamsters' cages, running on little wheels…

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Draco had just reached the entrance to the library when the clock struck midnight. He waited impatiently as Madam Pince turned off all the lights in the brightly lit room with a flick of her wand.

After a minute or two, the library was successfully shut down and she exited the library. Just as Draco crouched in the shadows as she passed by him in the corridor, a loud meow was heard not 5 feet away from him.

Draco froze. Miss Norris. He turned slowly and looked at the evil little embodiment of pain-bearing mammals who…was currently dressed in a little red sweater with hearts on it and had pink bows in its hair.

The cat did not seem to detect him. He silently thanked Madam Pince who he just noticed seemed to be wearing a large amount of some sort of mothball-esque perfume. Draco nearly gagged.

He also noticed her attire, which consisted of a matching leather brassiere/skirt set with black fishnet tights. He cringed when he saw a whip in her right hand and some sort of lotion bottle in her left. Now, what the hell was she going to do with that?

He had hastily decided to rule out romantic tryst when he heard a male voice (strangely high and hoarse) echoing of the walls of the hall. It sounded like, and then there was Miss Norris- NO GOD! PLEASE NO!

Argus Filch swept majestically into view. He bowed in an almost servile way at the woman's feet. All the sudden she looked nervous and whispered frantically at Filch. "I can't say it Argus, what if someone hears us?" Draco agreed with her, thinking, 'Yes, Pincer, don't say it.'

Argus looked at her from his position on the ground in mild annoyance, "Darling, we have been planning this for months!" Then he said the line that Draco had feared and desperately trying to convince himself would not be said, "Now punish me!"

At this Madam Pince boot her booted leg on his shoulder and pushed down hard so he was sprawled on the ground and she got down on all fours and crawled towards him saying, "Have you been a bad, bad boy?" Filch nodded crazily. Draco squeezed his eyes shut and waited until they were growling at each other and making weird tribal noises until he dared an escape.

He quickly went to the restricted section of the library and nearly squealed in triumph when he found the perfect book. _Hermione is going down and down hard. Ouch! _Draco fell back as he collided with another person.

So, suspense is building. Tell me what you think when you REVIEW! Thanks and enjoy the ever ending summer!


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